An adaptation by Nick Gustafson

Based on the screenplay by Nick Gustafson
and Bill Waddell & Craig Webster.

Angus arrives at the Family Style Eating Buffet

"Hey!" he calls. "You there boy, I'd like some service."

A pimple-face teen answers, "Can I help you sir?"

"Aye, as a matter of a fact, you can. What items are on today's special?"

"Haggis, In salute to Scotland."

Angus smiles. "Aye," he says, "that sounds delightful, get me two of them now, dinna make me break me foot off in yuir ass."

"Hurry up ya, stupid ass!"

The teen sighs and leaves.

As he waits, Angus walks around the restaurant, surveying what is to eat. To his disgust he sees people taking more than they could consume! He approaches one portly diner.

"Do you realize you bastards are consuming more than your fair share of the Earth's finite resources?" he asks.

"Gmfhdkmd?" the diner responds through a mouthful of food. "shu-what?"

Angus is enraged. "Gluttony is one of the cardinal sins!!!" he cries, and reaches for serving spoons which he rams down the diner's throat. Angus proceeds to carve out the entrails of the rest of the buffet's patrons.

As Angus walks back out into the street, he views the pollution spewing out of a giant smoke stack.

"Aye, what the hell?" he cries. "Aye can feel the planet's temperature rising by fractions of degrees Celsius. The ice caps are melting!"

He walks to the bottle cap factory, and barges in upon its owner shouting, "Ye've nae using resources in a sustainable manner. What the hell is wrong with you polluting bastards?!"

"Hey, this is progress," says the owner. "If we want to be ready for the twenty-first century, we must use all of this in a responsible manner..."

"Eh?" Angus retorts. "Pardon? This is nae responsible. Ye canna continue to consume minerals in this manner.."

"..in order to get the best possible profit." the owner continues.

Angus grabs a flamethower. "So ye like heating up the planet with yuir greenhouse gases?" he asks. "Aye'll make it hot for ye!!"

Angus incinerates the owner.

"Aye..." he murmurs, "there's a greater force behind this."

He regards a discarded newspaper.

"Aye. Aye know whose responsible for this...."

With the Ontario legistlature in secession, the premier is at his favourite golf course. He laughs as he lines up his shot.

"What a wonderful day," Mike Harris said. "Now that I've shipped away all those burdens to the welfare system, killed off the sick by closing the hospitals, merged every municipality together as one, and improved the education system so as it's so challenging no one graduates, all while giving a 75% tax cut. I am feeling fine, even if I must occasionally use the OPP to stop massive riots and assassination attempts, I'm certain they only represent a small portion of the population."

Then, an aide called, "Hey Harris! You'd better get out of here, I've heard there's some mad Scotsman gunning for you..!"

"I have a mandate here," the premier said snidely, "and I'm not listening. No body tells Mike Harris what to do, no matter how many there are or how correct they might be. I don't bow down to special interests."

The aide sighs and departs.

Angus came roaring along the green. "If ye had any common sense ye bastard, ye'd have stayed out of politics!! I've got yer cutbacks right here!!" Angus takes the putter from Harris' golf bag and decapitates the Premier, his aide and a few unfortunate passersby.

A short while later at the factory, Angus is highland dances to the music of Rod Stewart.

"... if you think I'm sexy and you want my body," he sings, "c'mon baby let me know..."

Suddenly, two unknown individuals run up and strike him in the back.

"We got him!!" says the first.

We've been chasing him for days." says the second.

"He will never threaten anyone again!"